Origin of Milk Troubles
by chocolatexloverx16
Summary: All was right in the world... then Riza Hawkeye shattered the peace with one question she'd always wanted to ask. "Why don't you like milk?"


_**A/N**: Hey there! This is just a little one shot that came to mind :3_

_**Warnings**: OOCness at random, more randomness, insanity, some crack, mischief, some swearing, and a random Monty Python reference…_

_**Note**: Um… I'll say this is set in… Brotherhood? Sure, that works. But definitely later on, when Al has his body back… I'll say that these five people just so happened to get together before Ed and Al went west and east towards the end ._

_**Disclaimer**: I own *nothing*! Enjoy! ^^_

The scene was nothing short of tranquil and serene. All five people were enjoying themselves for once, nobody was arguing, and if you could believe it, no one was making any short jokes.

So naturally Edward was quite content for the time being. He would have loved to stay in that bubble of serenity for a long time…

… Too bad the peace and happiness was crushed into oblivion when Riza Hawkeye decided to ask one little question.

"Hey Edward?" she started out lightly. When his calm gold eyes met her peaceful ones, she continued. "There's something I've been meaning to ask you for a long time, but I never had the chance."

Considering the smile she gave him, he figured it would be a harmless question. "Ask away Hawkeye."

"Why don't you like milk?"

The grin that had been on his face froze for a few seconds before melting off completely, leaving him with a grim expression.

The two other blondes just stared at Riza, dumbfounded. Did she not know the deep and personal troubling relationship Ed had with the drink? This was dangerous territory!

The remaining member just smirked at his previous subordinate's reaction.

Riza blinked. "Did I say something wrong?" _Shouldn't he be able to handle this question now that he's older?_

"This has always been a sensitive subject for Brother… but even so, he should face his demons, now that he's older." Alphonse commented pensively.

"Hey! Whose side are you on anyway Al?"

"Edward! Be nice to your brother!" Winry scolded. _Honestly, it's like he's reverted back into a little kid…_

Ed winced. Even though he was (finally!) taller than Winry, she was still a force to be reckoned with. "Sorry Al…" he muttered, glancing at the floor in annoyance.

Mustang decided it was time to speak up. "I'd like to know the answer as well Fullmetal."

Ed immediately lost all cool. "Shut up you bastard! I don't go by that name anymore!" Ed's face was the usual angry red with steam coming out of the holes on his face.

Mustang grinned cheekily-which only managed to anger Edward even more. "Old habit. Sorry!"

Ed crossed his arms over his chest. "Whatever."

Then there was silence.

After about ten minutes, Riza lost her patience completely. She slammed her fists on the table they were seated at, and groaned. "For the love of guns, would someone _please_ tell me the answer?"

"Alright, Miss Hawkeye. I will tell you the story behind everything!" Winry declared heroically, hands on her hips.

"This oughta be interesting…" Al muttered under his breath.

Winry glanced sideways at him. "What was that?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing Winry! Really!" Al laughed nervously. He didn't see her bring her wrench with, but one can never be too sure…

"_Anyway_…" Winry drawled out, finally capturing everyone's attention. "It was the summer of '03…" She then stage whispered, "For the mathematically challenged, this was when Edward and I were four years old." Winry then reached over and patted Al's head. "And Al here was only three!"

"Get on with it," Al muttered under his breath.

"Though, to be honest, I don't really know how old you two were, Miss Hawkeye-" Winry rambled.

"Get on with it." Riza and Roy said this in unison.

"Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter, huh?" Winry continued.

"GET ON WITH IT!"

"Alright Edward, sheesh. You don't have to be so RUDE." Winry emphasized her point by taking out her trusty wrench (just WHERE does that wrench hide?) and hitting Ed upside the head with it.

Naturally, this pissed him off. "What the hell was that for Winry? You're going to give me brain damage!"

"Oh please, your head is too hard for me to damage Edward. Quit complaining." Winry gave him a final glare before putting her wrench away in a flash. "Anyway, the summer of '03 was a good one. At least, the parts I remember from then. And believe it or not, Edward actually _loved_ milk! He drank more of it than Al or I combined in fact!"

"No way!" Al responded quickly.

"That's physically impossible!" Roy marveled at the Elric's expense.

"Maybe you have him confused with his brother." Riza dismissed what Winry said immediately. This was obviously nothing more than a tall tale.

Ed just stared blankly at Winry. He literally could not form any sort of reaction to this accusation. _Is she on something? Maybe all that automail of hers is getting to her head…_

Winry shook her head. "No, it was definitely Edward. And he definitely drank more than we did. Of course… it probably helped that he was told he'd stay short forever if he didn't drink his milk." She glanced at him briefly. "Which, as we all know, almost happened. Lucky for you, Edward, you had a growth spurt recently."

It took all of Ed's willpower not to say anything. He was NOT short anymore, dammit!

… He was NEVER short at all!

"Winry," he ground out through his teeth. "I'm not short. I'm taller than you are!"

Before the quarrel could take off, Riza interrupted them. "So what happened then? What made Ed hate milk so much?"

Winry sighed. "Well… I hate to admit this, but it's because of me."

Everyone gasped. Well, except for Edward. The only reason he didn't react to this statement is because he already suspected that she's on something and is busy trying to figure out what it was. Perhaps she inhaled too much automail cleaner? Was that even possible?

Winry nodded sadly. "I know! It's really such a shame!" She placed both hands over her heart dramatically. "I don't know how I lived with myself!"

Roy and Riza could only stare incredulously at the girl. Al had his face in his hands, hiding the mortification he felt from his childhood friend. Ed merely rolled his eyes at his crazy friend.

"We were young and stupid back then, I'll admit. Edward here did something that pissed me off…" She lowered her voice confidentially, "He's always been naturally amazing at doing so."

Ed crossed his arms, trying not to become angry right here and now. Was she ever going to get to the damn _point_?

"To be honest, I can't really remember what he did… but I remember I retaliated. Harshly." Winry took a deep breath, and finally blurted out, "I poisoned his milk to get back at him and it worked because he ended up throwing up for two hours straight and after that he never wanted to drink milk again!"

Silence. Then, Al started laughing. _Laughing_.

Winry reflexively brought out her wrench. "What's so funny Alphonse?"

For once, the presence of her wrench did not have the desired effect, as Al was not looking the least bit intimidated. "Oh, nothing. Just that your story never happened."

"Oh realllly… then why don't YOU fill us in? Why won't your brother drink milk Alphonse?" Winry was full-out glaring and waving her wrench about, angry to be called a liar.

"Fine, I will. You see, when Brother and I were six and five, we tried to create chocolate milk using alchemy-"

"Alchemy freaks." Winry muttered darkly, wrench by her side.

"Chocolate milk?" Roy shouted. "But that's impossible to make!"

"Not impossible," Riza whispered, "but very unlikely."

"-However, our attempt failed miserably. The substance we ended up with was so horrifying, that it scarred Brother for life. And that is why he won't drink milk."

"Alphonse…" Riza started to say.

"Yes ma'am?" Al replied hesitantly.

"What was it? What did you make instead of chocolate milk?"

The tones of their voices made even Roy feel terrified of the answer.

"I'd… really rather not talk about it," Al confessed. "It's still very disturbing…" He curled up in the fetal position. "It still gives me nightmares," he whispered hoarsely.

Riza raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She felt his actions spoke for themselves. Roy on the other hand just felt confused. Wasn't it the other brother who was scarred enough to stay away from milk?

Winry's wrench made contact with the side of Al's skull. "You are totally making that up! That never happened!"

Al's teary-eyed face raised up to meet hers. "Yes it did! How dare you! I couldn't make something this horrible up even if I wanted to!"

Shockingly enough, Edward Elric was silent. Personally, he found both stories a little hard to swallow. He was fairly certain now that Winry was on automail cleaner, but what about Alphonse? What was causing him to act so strangely?

While Ed was trying to figure this mystery out, Al and Winry were glaring daggers at each other, both appalled at the others' blatant lies. Roy felt uncharacteristically lost. What happened to his control? And Riza wasn't faring any better, however she hid her confusion.

"You know what?" Winry blurted out. "We should ask Edward which of us is right."

"Yeah! I agree," Al nodded firmly. "Brother?"

Edward was still lost in his thoughts, and didn't hear his name being called.

"Brother!"

"No, no, you're not getting his attention that way," Winry chided him. "This is what you're supposed to do…" she had a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Winry made her way right behind said victim, raised her wrench high in the air, and slammed it down on the top of his head.

"OW! DAMMIT WINRY! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Ed screamed in pain. "YOU PROBABLY GAVE ME A CONCUSSION!"

"Oh, quit whining, it was only a tap. Besides, it got your attention, didn't it?" Winry replied smugly. "We wanted to ask you a question and you're just _ignoring_ us! You shouldn't be so rude!"

Ed grumbled a bit more about the impressive sized bump that was forming on the crown of his head. "Fine, what was so important that you had to hurt me for?"

Winry ignored the hurt in favor of the question. "Alphonse and I would just like to know-"

"-Which one of us is right!" Al finished for her. He wasn't about to let her have the satisfaction of asking the whole question.

Ed rolled his eyes. "That's easy. _Neither_ of you are right." He watched both their faces change into surprise. "Don't look at me like that! You two are way off with those stories of yours!"

"So…" Roy interjected, "there was no disastrous chocolate milk attempt?"

"And no milk poisoning?" Riza added inquisitively.

Edward shook his head. "Nope, neither story is true. To be honest though, I have no idea why they think these things really happened. Maybe they dreamed them up or something." He suggested casually with a shrug.

"Then… what really happened?" Winry quietly asked.

"That whole thing was just a nightmare?" Al whispered in fear.

"Yes, it was just a nightmare, Al," Ed confirmed. "And as for the truth, well… I just don't like the taste."

"… What? Are you serious?" Roy deadpanned.

"That's way too easy of an answer. I'm disappointed Edward," Riza replied coolly.

Winry threw her wrench at him again. "ARE YOU SERIOUS EDWARD? THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU DON'T DRINK IT?"

Ed rubbed his very sore cranium. "Yeah, actually. Like I've told you before Winry… IT TASTES LIKE VOMIT! WHO'D WANT TO DRINK THAT CRAP?"

"BUT IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"

"I DON'T CARE! I'M NOT GOING TO DRINK IT!"

"YES YOU WILL!" Winry pulled out a glass of milk out of who-knows-where and thrust it in his face. "DRINK IT!"

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

"YES I CAN! OPEN UP!"

"NEVER!"

Just then a vortex opened up out of thin air, revealing tons of milk and hundreds of wrenches.

Alex Louis Armstrong stepped out of said vortex.

"EDWARD ELRIC, WHY DO YOU REFUSE THIS WONDERFUL WOMAN'S GIFT OF MILK? THIS IS MOOOOST SUSPICIOUS!"

Edward chose to hide behind Winry, because surely she was safer than Armstrong, but at that moment, she proved him wrong.

She used the opportunity to her advantage.

She force-fed him milk.

And he absolutely did NOT like it!

_**A/N**: Okay! How was that? :3 Be sure and let me know! ^^_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverx16_


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